A Childhood Refrain, Some Reflection, and A Wish for Each of You

For as long as I can remember, any night spent at a family member’s house would conclude with a matriarch of our family making everyone café con leche (more like leche con un poquito café, given that we were about to go to bed!). After drinking our leche we’d exchange kisses and recite, almost in a sing-song manner, 

Hasta mañana, si Dios quiere, que sueñes con los angelitos.

Roughly, this translates to “Until tomorrow, if God is willing, may you dream of / with the little angels.” [I’ve included the of / with because I’ve seen the translation both ways] Essentially, this was my Cuban familia’s version of the common American refrain, “sweet dreams.”

I’ve been thinking about this phrase a lot lately. The innocence it invokes; the safety of the phrase. It has felt like a warm blanket, holding me tight, keeping me safe as we move into and out of two difficult months – that of November and December. Months that mark such pain and trauma for so many folx – both historically and today – most of which stems from misguided religious beliefs, “patriotism”, white supremacy, heteronormativity, and sheer ignorance and/or fear of anyone that dares to color outside of the lines. It’s a time of year that reminds many folx that society deems us disposable, unworthy, and unwelcome.

This is a very different perspective than what the dominant (read: white, Christian, heteronormative, able bodied, middle/upper class) culture tells folx to believe about the months of November and December, that this is a time of traveling to spend gather with family, a time to be cheerful, to be thankful, to be at peace. But this masks the pain that these months bring for many of us – the loss we feel; the sting of rejection; the longing for culture, family, financial security, housing security, and so many other things folx take for granted. These months serve to distract everyone from the atrocities us folx – those our society has deemed “disposable” – have faced throughout history and continue to face today.

November is particularly guilty of this erasure, this distraction. We celebrate Thanksgiving knowing full well the atrocities white settlers committed against Indigenous folx (in the name of “God” no less). We perpetuate the lie of the first Thanksgiving as we gather round our tables, with family and friends, either celebrating this historic violence in willful ignorance, or (maybe worse) telling ourselves some story about how it’s OK because we are setting aside this time to be thankful, to be solemn and after all, it wasn’t us who committed those atrocities (🤮).  And of course, we designated November as Native American/ Indigenous Peoples History Month, so that lets us off the hook right? Wrong. While we are gathering with our families and friends, celebrating togetherness in our homes, giving thanks, and participating in family traditions, we are erasing this country’s history of pulling Indigenous families apart, stealing their homes / land, and destroying many of their traditions and ways of life.

November also marks Transgender Awareness week (November 13 – 16) in which “people and organizations around the country participate…to help raise the visibility of transgender people and address issues members of the community face” (Source: GLAAD). The week culminates with the observance of Transgender Day of Remembrance (observed November 20), which honors the lives of transgender and gender non-conforming folx that have been lost to violent acts of transphobia over the past year. Every year, media outlets and LGBTQ+ organizations release statements indicating that the current year has been the deadliest year on record for transgender folx. Every year, the majority of folx lost to this senseless violence are those from our most vulnerable communities, living at the intersection of multiple systems of oppression – transgender women who are Black and/or Latinx. Every. Damn. Year. Nothing Changes. This year is no exception. We’ve lost 47 transgender members of our community (see table and slide deck below; Source: HRC).

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Each of these beautiful people were someone’s child, sibling, friend, colleague – all of them had their lives cut short because they were deemed disposable, unworthy of a life free from fear, pain, and harm. This too connects to our country’s history of violence against Indigenous peoples and communities. As noted in A Queer History of the United States for Young People, when white settlers arrived in the Americas, the land was “already home to numerous tribes of people who had rich, complex cultures, traditions, family structures, and gender identities” (p. 15). For example, in Pueblo Indian communities, as was the case in many Indigenous communities, women were given great autonomy and authority over their lives and communities. Additionally, “ the Pueblo…engaged in a wide range of sexual relationships, including sex between women and between men. They accepted all sexual relationships among adults as not only good and holy but also part of nature.” Other Indigenous groups also honored a tradition of fluid gender roles, “underst[anding] and accept[ing] that some men would act as women and some women would act as men. In some North American societies people who did not follow strict binary gender roles were held in great esteem and became religious leaders, shamans, or artisans (p. 16).” As was the case with most Indigenous customs, the white settlers set out to erase these ways of knowing and being in the world.

 

The Europeans tried to impose their own views on native people. For example, Spanish missionary Alonso de Benavides tried to convert the Pueblo to Catholicism. Benavides and his fellow Europeans insisted that to be true Christians the Publo had to cover their bodies, give up all sexual activity that was not heterosexual, commit to monogamous marriages and limit the power women had over their own lives in society…The Invasion of European missionaries and explorers, and their terrible treatment of Indigenouse people, has been well-documented. In the context of queer history, it was the beginning of a tragic pattern that repeated throughout the history of the United States. Again and again, women and men who do not fit the appropriate gender roles, who do not behave in ways that the majority dictates, and who engage in any sexual activities or attractions outside of heterosexual marriage are punished, often severely, denied their basic human rights, and cast out from society (pp. 18-19).

As we see with the observance of Transgender Day of Rememberance, this “casting out from society” often involves the loss of life for transgender and gender non-conforming folx. So we have set aside November 20th to honor this tragic loss, we retweet posts form HRC, GLAAD, GLSEN, and trans rights activists and we pat ourselves on the back for caring, for drawing attention to the issue. But just like the honoring of Indigenous peoples through Native American History Month, this day and week often feels like a distraction, a performative way to absolve us of our guilt, and an erasure of the ways in which we have been and remain complicit in the violence against Indigenous and transgender folx.

This November also marked another event that highlighted the way we deem some folx disposable and others not, and how we allow those of the dominant group to remain free of consequences for their violence – the “not guilty” verdict of Kyle Rittenhouse. Rittenhouse traveled across state lines, carrying an AR-15 style rifle to attend protests against racial injustice and police brutality against Black folx. He did this out of his own twisted belief in a vigilante justice system – in his “right” to create/instigate this situation of “so-called” self-defense. In the process he killed two people and injured a third, yet was acquitted on all charges. Their lives were deemed disposable, but his worthy of protection. This too connects to our country’s history of settler colonialism and white supremacy. Our nation was built upon the premise that white people deserve all the wonders this world has to offer, by any means – even if that includes genocide, slavery, stolen land, the criminalization of existing as Black, as Brown, as queer, and so many other acts of violence. Why would this verdict be any different? Why would we expect a jury of mostly white folx to rule that Rittenhouse did anything wrong? We’ve spent decades building this country on the belief that the use of violence by white folx against people of color, against other white folx standing with people of color, against individuals with disabilities, against queer folx is holy, justifiable, necessary. This verdict was no different. 

All of these atrocities mark November, and then we move into the month of December, a month also heralded by dominant culture as a time of traveling to gather with family, a time to be merry, to be thankful, to give gifts, and to be at peace. But again, this “celebration” is marred with ugliness, from the emphasis on consumerism ( an inevitable creation of our capitalist ideals as a nation) to the emphasis on family gatherings and “Christmas cheer.” Not all folx view or experience Christmas in this way. Whether someone is spending their first Christmas after the death of a loved one, experiencing food and/or housing insecurity, or spending Christmas alone due to family estrangement, separation or some other circumstance – many folx from these groups experience Christmas (and Thanksgiving) as an incredibly painful time, filled with grief, loss, and reminders of various hardships.  Some folx can’t travel to see family because of dis/ability, financial hardship, immigration laws, or other personal circumstances. Some folx aren’t welcomed into their families homes due to their families rejection of their queer identities, due to mental illness (this also includes families that are estranged due to family members having Narcisistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder), due to racism, or some other form of ostracism, bigotry, or trauma. Some folx don’t have a home to begin with, or barely enough money to put food on the table and our emphasis on consumerism and the importance of various forms of Christmas consumerism often serves as re-traumatization for these folx, accompanied by grief, shame, loneliness and guilt. 

For young people, Christmas (and Thanksgiving) might also be accompanied by enormous amounts of stress, particularly for those that LGBTQ+ and feel unsafe in their homes, those growing up in abusive families, or those that rely on the school system for shelter and food. But again, we look away from these folx’s pain and tell ourselves some story about how we are not complicit, how we deserve that new flat screen TV even though the old one was just fine, or that it’s not our fault that some folx have lost loved ones, been rejected, or do not have the means to engage in our “traditional” forms of Christmas celebration. In doing so we center ourselves and again cast aside those that society deems “disposable.”

 

I’m not advocating that we stop gathering for a Thanskgiving meal, for Noche Buena, for New Years Eve, or that we stop observing Native American History Month, Transgender Awareness Week, or Transgender Day of Rememberance. Instead, I’m writing this in the hopes that we will see the ways in which we can and should strive to do better, to center empathy, and to seek justice. All the land acknowledgements, national observances, and talk about justice mean nothing without continued action. Is it true that things are better now than they once were? Probably. Is it possible to ever reach true justice, true equity, true liberation? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean we get to stop fighting, to look away and say “oh we tried.” We must continue to look for ways to enact positive change and to move closer to this ideal, even if we know it will likely never be realized. So, how do we do that?

 

I don’t claim to have the answers, and honestly this post was part of my own exploration of my culpability.  In searching for ways I can continue to do better, to advocate for justice, and support the cause of liberation for all, these are some ideas I came up with. I encourage you to add your own suggestions in the comments section of this post.

Suggestion #1: Support Small Businesses owned by BIPOC, queer and trans folx and folx with dis/abilities.

This Christmas, instead of adding to the revenue of big-name companies like Amazon, Target, Old Navy, Nike, Apple, Barnes and Noble, and the like, consider giving your money to small businesses owned by BIPOC, queer and trans folx, and folx with dis/abilities. Here are a few to get you started:

• Room of One’s Own – “Queer and Trans owned Feminist Bookstore” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Quinty Moda – “Latino Streetwear, apparel and accessories” (Website / Instagram)
• 7 Indigenous-owned Etsy Shops that Need to Be On Your Radar
• Black Owned Etsy Shops
• LGBTQ+ Small Businesses
• 15 Latinx-Owned Etsy Shops You Might Want to Spend Your Whole Paycheck At
• 10 AAPI-Owned Etsy Shops to Support During AAPI Heritage Month and Beyond
• 15 Incredible Disabled Makers to Support This Holiday Season and Beyond

Suggestion #2: Support BIPOC, queer and trans folx and folx with dis/abilities that are fighting for educational and other forms of liberation/justice.

Follow the social media accounts of BIPOC, queer and trans folx, and folx with dis/abilities that are figting for educational and other forms of liberation/justice. And don’t just follow them, support them by signing up for their workshops (not just the free ones), sending them money for coffee, and taking the knowledge you learn from them and enacting it in your communities (make sure you always cite these folx when appropriate as well). Here are a few folx I have found influential in my own work:

You can also sign up for my Spring PD series Visions of a Re/humanized Mathematics for LGBTQ+ Students and join Radical Pedagogy Institute, which I co-founded with Dr. Leah Z. Owens. Check out our PD offerings here.

Suggestion #3: Donate to organizations that are working towards BIPOC, queer and trans liberation and dis/ability and economic justice.

Donate to organizations that are working towards BIPOC, queer and trans liberation and dis/ability and economic justice. Better yet, join those organizations and see how you can be actively involved in the fight for liberation. Here are a few organizations you might consider:

• American Indian Community House – “The mission of American Indian Community House (AICH) is to improve and promote the well-being of the American Indian Community and to increase the visibility of American Indian cultures in an urban setting in order to cultivate awareness, understanding and respect.” (Website)
• Trans Women of Color Collective – “Centering the narratives, leadership & lived experiences of Black trans people in all we do! None of us free are free until we all are free!” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Radical Pedagogy Institute Pre-Service Teacher Scholarship Fund – “The Radical Pedagogy Institute is committed to providing access to our community for pre-service teachers throughout the greater New Jersey area (including NYC). To provide that access to as many pre-service teachers as possible, our partner organization, Teach About Women, has helped us to create a Pre-Service Teacher Scholarship Fund.” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• California Heritage Indigenous Research Project – “originally founded to research, document and preserve the history and culture of the Nevada City Rancheria Nisenan Tribe”, which is no longer recognized by the federal government (restricting their access to government funding opportunities) (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• The Okra Project – “dedicated to improving the lives of Black Trans people by providing culturally specific meals, therapy, and resources.” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Asians and Pacific Islanders with Disabilities of California (APIDC) – “Seeks to empower Asians and Pacific Islanders (APIs) with physical, mental, and developmental disabilities by fostering community networks.” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Teach About Women – “We help K-12 educators integrate equity work, especially gender equity work, into every aspect of school life, from curriculum and after-school activities to admissions and hiring.” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Eagle Pass Sexuality Advocacy for Everyone – “ Fighting for LGBTQ inclusion and equality in the Southwest Texas Border Region.”  (Website)
• United We Dream – “United We Dream is the largest immigrant youth-led community in the country. We create welcoming spaces for young people – regardless of immigration status – to support, engage, and empower them to make their voice heard and win! “(Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Dignity In Schools – “ The Dignity in Schools Campaign challenges the systemic problem of pushout in our nation’s schools and works to dismantle the school-to-prison pipeline” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Trans Journalists Association – “We are a collective of trans journalists making space for trans people in our industry and pushing for more accurate, responsible coverage of trans stories.”  (Website / Twitter )
• Land Back – “LANDBACK is a movement that has existed for generations with a long legacy of organizing and sacrifice to get Indigenous Lands back into Indigenous hands. Currently, there are LANDBACK battles being fought all across Turtle Island, to the north and the South.” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Restoring Justice for Indigenous Peoples- “dedicated to addressing the disproportionate  impact of the criminal & juvenile justice systems on Indigenous people throughout Northern California” (Website)
• Latino Action Network – “ The Latino Action Network is a grassroots organization composed of individuals and organizations that are committed to engaging in collective action at the local, state and national levels in order to advance the equitable inclusion of the diverse Latino communities in all aspects of United States society” (Website / Twitter)
• National Center for Transgender Equality – “the nation’s leading social justice advocacy organization winning lifesaving change for transgender people.”  (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Undocublack – “A network fighting to create space for currently and formerly undocumented Black immigrants to not only survive but thrive.: (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Indigenous Roots – Dedicated to building, supporting and cultivating opportunities for Native, Black, Brown and Indigenous peoples through cultural arts and activism. (Website / Instagram)
• Native American Disability Law Center –  “ The Native American Disability Law Center is a private nonprofit organization that advocates for the legal rights of Native Americans with disabilities. Through advocacy and education, we empower Native people with disabilities to lead independent lives in their own communities.” (Website)

Suggestion #4: Support BIPOC, queer and trans artists and authors.

Support BIPOC, queer and trans artists and authors. We need them to keep sharing their work and their stories.

Here are some books I’ve enjoy:

Artists / Authors I enjoy:

• MegEmikoArt – Meg is a “an Asian American trans non-binary artist and activist, [whose] goal is to create art, apparel, stickers, and prints that help make QTBIPOC and LGBTQIA+ folks feel seen, heard, represented, and loved.” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Black Trans Femmes in the Arts (BFTA) – “BTFA is a collective of Black trans femmes dedicated to making space for ourselves in the arts & beyond.” (Website / Twitter / Instagram)
• Flaming Rampant – “Flamingo Rampant is producing feminist, racially-diverse, LGBTQ positive children’s books, in an effort to bring visibility and positivity to the reading landscape of children everywhere. We make books kids love that love them right back, bedtime stories for beautiful dreams, and books that make kids of all kinds say with pride: that kid’s just like me!” (Website / Twitter)
• Curiously sticky – Our designs are original works of Jane Martin (she/her/ella; creative educator, fiercely lovable, chillhop-adorist, queer socialist (Website / Instagram / Twitter)
• Wit Lopez – “Multidisciplinary maker, performance artist, writer, & cultural advocate.” (Website / Instagram / Twitter)
• Yalla Roza – “Feminist Art Prints” (Website / Instagram)

Suggestion #5: Follow the suggestions for action set forth by HRC and Dignity in Schools.

• Read HRC’s “Dismantling a Culture of Violence” report, which “provides clear ways that each of us can directly make an impact to make our society a safer place for transgender and gender non-conforming people.”
• Check out Dignitiy in Schools “Toolkit on Organizing to Combat the School-to-Prison Pipeline”

Suggestion #6: Write to your representatives.

Write to your representatives to speak out against voter suppression efforts, anti-trans legislation, anti-abortion laws, and CRT bans.

You should also write your representatives to show your support for initiatives like the Save Oak Flat Act, Reparations for Slavery, the efforts to reunite separated families and provide relief, raising the minimum wage (and getting rid of the subminimum wage), the Dream Act (1 / 2), Medicare for All, the Green New Deal, the George Floyd Justice in policing Act, the Equality Act, the Counseling Not Criminalization in Schools Act, the Freedom to Vote Act, the Women’s Health Protection Act, and other important issues.

Suggestion #7: Get involved with existing organizations. and push the organizations you are a part of and employers you work for to do better.

Get involved with your local school board, your local LGBTQ+ center, or some other organization providing support for our most marginalized communities.

Also push your professional organizations and employers to become more involved in efforts to support our most vulnerable populations. This document has a lot of example actions organizations and employers can take to step up.

#Suggestion #8: Have critical conversations with your families about these issues and stand up to racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, islamophobia, and all other forms of bigotry and hate.

As you gather for the holidays, commit yourself to speaking to your families about these issues and stand up to racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, islamophobia, and all other forms of bigotry and hate. Here are some resources to help you:

• Talking Points about Abortion
• Speak Up at School (Good for speaking up with families and friends too!)
• Fact Sheet about Trans Athletes
• Talking points in support of teaching CRT 

I hope you’ll consider taking some or all of these actions with me as we move into this holiday season. I hope as we move into our holiday routines we can center the folx our society forgets and relegates to the margins. I hope we remember their beauty and brilliance and the fact that they too deserve sweet dreams to keep them safe at night. I wish those sweet dreams to each of you. Deseo que todas soñemos con los angelitos. 

Mucho amor.

B